The ultimate to-do list usually comes around this time, in the form of New Year’s Resolutions. Resolution=something you promise yourself to do in the next year, but don’t do it. Just kidding. These vows to oneself are extremely important and quite binding…at least, they used to be when the Babylonians made vows to their gods for protection and crowned a new king, or paid homage to the returning one. That was 4,000 years ago.
Times have changed and along with them, the rigidity of the once-inflexible goals made in celebration of a full earth’s rotation around the sun. Here is a list of my resolutions for the upcoming year, in order to have a peaceful 2018 while being black.
- I will not protest, like, at all. No silent protests during sporting events. No counter protesting during the same time white extremists are. I won’t even protest when Jimmy blows up the bathroom at work and doesn’t use the air freshener.
- I won’t make a fuss about anything. Airing grievances about the world around you as a minority is how you get labeled a snowflake, by people acting like snowflakes. Ruffling feathers online can lead to some serious repercussions, and the last thing I want is to run into a mad rant by someone claiming their whiteness is being threatened by people who only hope for equality. That would suck.
- Next year, I promise to forget a good deal of my people’s history, to pacify those trying to shove their people’s history down my throat. I’ll remember to be on my best behavior, a good little conforming black boy, you know, like do a little jig with white gloves on singing “Hi-De-Ho,” all the livelong day. It’s 2018, by the way—which is why there’s no more racism, KKK, and we don’t have a president who secretly slashed funds for groups fighting against bigotry, openly supports right-wing groups connected with far-right nationalism, and refers to the mostly-black protesters of police violence as “sons of bitches” he’d like to fire. But in case these things do happen, I’d like to be prepared to just keep my mouth shut.
- No more marches. Do you wanna get punched or killed? ‘Cuz that’s how you get punched or killed.
- My goal for 2018 will be to act like a calm black man. People hate when you seem threatening. I’d like to be remembered as non-threatening if I ever get shot in the back by cops and plastered on YouTube.
- I won’t make the mistake of being a proud black father and supporting my athletic sons. There’s too great a risk people will call you exploitative, as in the case of LaVar Ball.
- I resolve to no longer write opinionated pieces.
- Finally, I vow to never again be black. You heard right. Can’t be hurt for being black if you’re not black.
Now, I trust you, my friends, will do all of the things I have vowed not to do in the upcoming year. Because, I mean, seriously…in a world where there’s nothing a black person can do, or not do, that will keep him or her from being criticized, targeted, or shot, we really haven’t got much to lose in the pursuit of getting our voices heard. 2018 may just be the year of a cultural revolution for us all…which is something I’m really hoping for. Sorry I can’t take that journey with you. Happy New Year!
Psych! Ain’t nothing gone change my blackness. I plan to break my resolutions early.